A Sad, Sad Fate

For the enjoyment of all, here is a speech I worked up over the holidays:

The air stirred, warming Terrence as he shifted to the right on his bed. He had been asleep for a long time, but he knew he would be wide-awake soon. A warm light shone round his room, and he smelled the tantalizing aromas of his favorite foods! With an awakening burst of energy he leapt to his feet, running towards the amazing smells!

Mouth watering, Terrence found his breakfast. Never before had he seen or tasted such bliss. There was an overabundance of food, so he ate until he was stuffed. With a full belly, he had a difficult time in keeping awake--especially in the warm air. Passing gas, he succumbed and drifted off into a restful slumber.

Suddenly, he awoke in a sweat. The air surrounding him was thick and oppressive--suffocatingly hot and humid. Frantically, he searched for a way out. The increasing temperature sealed his fate. Terrence collapsed, dead, another casualty in the struggle for daily bread.

The plight of Terrence and millions of others just like him has unjustly escaped our notice for centuries. Do we realize the full consequences of our exploitation of the yeast organism?

For every loaf of leavened bread lovingly crafted by Grandmother, millions of yeast organisms are bred, fattened, and killed--all for a fluffy, springy consistency. This amounts to billions of Terrence's relatives slaughtered senselessly.

Each holiday season, much fuss is made over the practices of unscrupulous poultry farmers, and we are encouraged to pass the bird in order to discourage abusing our fellow creatures. Why have the poor yeast organisms been beneath our scrutiny? They deserve equal rights with any other inhabitant of our planet. No organism should be exploited against its will.

What can we do to help? If our hearts have been touched, let us take the next step and proclaim loud and wide to one and all the merits of baking powder and soda! These ingenious chemicals could provide leaven for our staple of life without abusing anyone! If one is chemically-sensitive, unleavened breads are helpful as well. Beginning this year and forever, let us be mindful of ALL of our fellow beings, Terrence included, and make more compassionate choices.

Thank You.


(This would be great as an audio file, but, well, I can't seem to get past paragraph 2 without cracking up. I'll keep working on my serious, intense face. This truly is an important cause, after all.)